May 092014
 

Love is all you need. That line from the Beatles goes with the Bee Gees song Words. So how do we convey our thoughts and desires with words. Sometimes I sit in my back yard and listen to the sounds of love coming from the apartment complex behind my house and the words of love are not present.

They have a tendency to convey a negative connotation. I have not determined why people that live in apartment complexes have the desire to air their “dirty laundry”  (Don Henley) in front of the world. Well, I guess if we go to Wal-Mart and air our derriere it is OK to let everyone know that my girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/brother/sister/cousin/uncle/niece/nephew/BFF/neighbor/police/apartment manager and all the other living and non living entities within shouting range is the most despicable human being on the earth today.

As I have gotten older I find the vocalization of family problems or discontent with my fellow being an embarassment to the human race. But it takes me to the next statement. What is a butt weight? I hear it on so many commercials. You can purchase this super duper kitchen slicer in the next 5 minutes for ten dollars, butt weight there is more. They always talk about a butt weight. 

Is there a government agency that determines the weight of our butts. Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez might think about the justification of having a butt weight. And does this mean we should be concerned about our butts? And how did I get onto this subject?

This goes back to the title of this rambling, it’s only words and words are all I have…

 Posted by at 2:53 pm
May 082014
 

As the summer months approach we turn to thoughts of the family vacation. Memories of National Lampoons Vacation with Chevy Chase come to mind.

Is this the norm for most vacations? maybe not all of the disasters that met the Griswalds, but most of us can honestly say we have been there. Like the time we decided to take a 3 state car trip to have a mini family reunion. Riding with Grandma and her IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) was the most enjoyable. Driving with the windows rolled down, the hot, humid air blowing through the car mixed with the lasting aroma of hard boiled eggs wafting through the car is a memory that has been etched in my brain.

Or the 6 hour ride in a 1963 Chevy pickup with nothing to do but look at the passing fields of some type of vegetable grown in a field of green. Waiting to make it to the next campground so we could get out and stretch our legs. This is the joy of being together on family vacation.

The decision is thought about all year long. Where to go, how much to spend, what kind of fun should we have. Most of the time it was the campground for me. Do they have a playground or some type of swimming hole? Or maybe some fishing or trails to hike. It all ended up the same, sitting in the cab of the truck or stuck in the back seat of the family car with mom and dad talking adult boring stuff. This is what family vacation is all about.

Now I am sitting at the kitchen table, pamphlets of hotels and brochures of get-a-ways on the table before me. Do we want a amusement park type of vacation or a historical vacation where we can learn something new. No lets go for the one where we spend too much money and eat too much.

It is time to leave on vacation and I decided the best plan of attack is to just give the reigns over to the wife and let her decide where and what we will be doing.

 Posted by at 8:04 pm
Apr 272014
 

Andy Warhol is credited with the 15 minutes of fame statement.

Reality shows tries to extend the 15 minutes into hour segments that is broadcast once a week where they have to compete with other reality shows. This subject has covered in previous posts but the need to return to it is a way to add another 15 minutes to my fame. Or at the rate I am going I should be at the 47 second mark. So I have 14 minutes 13 seconds to hit the 15 minutes of fame.

Getting back to real life is not what is on TV or in the media. The local news gives people their claim to fame but it is usually being interviewed by a reporter looking for an angle. And most of the time it is to comment on the neighbor that was always quiet and kept his yard edged. So we have the reality of that short segment unless it so outrageous it makes it to the national news or a cable news network show.

Why are we obsessed with fame? Part of it is our need to be accepted by others and to be a little bit of a peeping tom. And speaking of that I empathize with people named Tom. What if the character in Lady Godiva was named Bartholomew. He is a peeping Bartholomew. It doesn’t have the same sound.

I want to see a show that is more like real life. Not this scripted Kardashians, Duck Dynasty, Mountain Monsters, Hell’s Kitchen, Naked and Afraid, Ax Men, Survivor Man, Bachelor, Ghost Hunters, Long Island Medium, Swamp People, Buying the Bayou-Alaska, Remodeling Realities, Property Brothers, Myth Busters, What Happens Next, Dirty Jobs, NBC Nightly News, NASCAR, Meteor Men, Searching for Bigfoot, and Sesame Street.

 Posted by at 5:45 pm
Apr 242014
 

It is that time of the year again. Summer. Why do people wish for the summer months to get here when it is the middle of January and the temperature is a mild 14º in the sun. As August approaches they start to complain about the heat and humidity. I call these kinds of people ex-wives. Not that I have had that many exes. Just the ones that I have are very memorable. Like the time of your senior prom when you heading out the door to pick up your date, whom by the way was the homecoming queen, when you are accosted by your mother pointing at something on your forehead. A zit the size of Mandalay Bay’s electric bill has erupted in full force.

I think the people that complain about the weather will complain about anything. Too much belly button link, too many people walking on the sidewalk at Disney World, or maybe, their spouses that have kids that mooch off the step parent. Whatever the reason, people that complain about the humidity should move to a dryer climate. People that complain about the heat should move to a cooler climate. Someone call Albert Einstein. Forget the theory of Relativity. I have come up with the theory of bitchy people. You don’t like what or where you are now-MOVE!

And yes that does apply to me, too. I don’t complain about the heat, just the people. I don’t complain about the cold, just the people. I guess I need to move away from people. Not all people, just he stupid ones. Not the stupid people that don’t know they are stupid, you know NASCAR fans. Well they don’t have to be NASCAR fans. Any type of sports follower. They always talk about their team and how good they are. Like they have ever gotten on the field with the opposing team and have one of the tackles or guards or whatever the guys are that weigh in as a Toyota Camry come after you with the only motivation is to put you in the ground.

I know I am not the only person in this great country that doesn’t understand the mentality of the sports fanatic. I think if we use the Webster’s Dictionary definition of a fan just might lay some closure on this ranting: marked by excessive enthusiasm for and intense devotion to a cause or idea; “rabid isolationist” [syn: fanatical, overzealous, rabid] n : a person motivated by irrational enthusiasm (as for a cause). Oh yes that does explain a few details. Excessive enthusiasm translates into Budweiser. Rabid says it all. I remember as a kid a dog in the neighborhood was bitten by a rabid raccoon or skunk or my younger brother. This dog went crazy. It didn’t foam at the mouth like they say in the movies, but it was really annoying because it was into everyone’s garbage cans. Knocking them over and dragging all the stuff across our front yard which my dad made me go out and clean up. Do you know what it is like to pick up someone else’s refuse. Their discards sitting in your yard like a thousand wayfaring ships at sea.

Back to the sports fans. The result is again, people. They are every where. They live next door to me. They are at the grocery store. They are at Blockbuster when I want to rent the newest releases on Tuesdays. And why do they release them on Tuesdays? Is that the slowest day of the week for movie rentals? Or just a marketing ploy to get me out of the house because the newest wife likes to watch That ‘70’s Show, like I didn’t live through it the first time. And what is it with Fox? Do they think just because they were one of the first broadcast channels that gave us Married With Children has quality programming? I think not. The problem arises again is that people work and run the Fox Network.

This is my time to finish my ranting and raving because the page is almost over. People are people, good and bad we live on Mother Earth and as Rodney King said so eloquently, “Owww! You %$&&*^%$$$#*&&^ that hurt!”  Sorry wrong quote, “Can’t we all just get along?”

 

 

 Posted by at 5:28 am
Apr 222014
 

There I was minding my own business when this image appeared before my eyes, a young woman wearing a thong bikini.

There was no escape from this view, well I should have stopped clicking the right arrow to go to the next picture might have worked. It made me think of the mating rituals of animals.

Watching National Geographic or Animal Planet when they show how animals flaunt their stuff to attract the opposite sex. Now I get it. This is the way humans show they are ready to mate.

The female of the species spends thousands of dollars and countless hours at the gym and hair stylist just to attract a mate. If you noticed I didn’t say male, because in today’s culture it could be the same sex.

In most of the animals it is the male that is the colorful one to attract the mate. That is just part of the plan to get these to reproduce. So that takes us back to the pictures. I felt like I was reading a National Geographic or watching the mating rituals of species of bird strutting their stuff in front of a prospective mate.

Ok, this could sound like I am setting my morals really high. What has happened to the joy of unwrapping a present? The human body is an amazing work of art, just look at Michael Angelo’s David. The Victorian era had the idea that the body should be covered in multiple layers of clothing and on the night of consummating a marriage was a surprise for both parties.

In the world today we are not given the opportunity to be surprised. Everything is on display for the world to see. It reverts back to the red butt of a baboon. It is the way the male displays his masculinity and the female shows she is ready to mate.

Now it all makes sense to me. The pictures of the young women in thong bikinis are their way of showing they are ready to reproduce.

Most animals obtain their mating signals by sense of smell, this way the male or female of the species knows it is time. Humans obtain their signal by sight, just as the picture displays the young woman sporting a bikini that is telling the males of the species that she is ready to mate.

What if some of the animals only used sight for finding a mate? Wouldn’t the wart hog have died out by now?

It seems to have become the culture to show more of the human anatomy in an attempt to gain a mate. Then we are reverting to being more like animals.

The main question to ask is if I continued to look at the woman in the thong bikini. I leave that up to you to decide.

 Posted by at 4:17 am
Apr 202014
 

The day has arrived when I finally got my Sam’s Club card. What an experience. There  I was standing in line waiting patiently for the next available customer service representative to assist me in obtaining the valued card that would grant me access into this warehouse of 50 gallon drums of Hunts Ketchup and discounted products when you purchase the value size.

I was next in line, when I noticed the line of people entering the store waving their ID cards to the greeter, who by the way was not the same type of greeter at Wal-Mart. I said to myself that in a few minutes I would be one of those people flashing my card. Since I had the available time to observe the multitude of people entering the building, I realized that a diverse group shopped at this discount warehouse.

Everyone from Skeeter to Donald Trump crossed the threshold into saving money. I am not sure if that was the main reason Skeeter and his 15 offspring came in. My theory is they came for dinner. The grocery section has many different varieties of food to eat. It reminded me of the Golden Corral buffet. The business people, dressed in their ties, piled the flat carts with reams of paper and pens.

I digress, back to standing in line the person in front of me was getting their picture taken. I was getting the feeling of being at the DMV waiting for my turn in the picture chair. Their picture was taken with no flash or click of the film being advanced in the camera because it was done digitally. Which brings me to digital cameras; you never know when your picture has been taken, unless the flash is used. The shutter doesn’t make that resounding click when it has been opened and closed. I own a digital camera and I have the same problem. The people that I take pictures of never know when their soul has been captured or their image will be saved for prosperity.  How many times has that happened to you? Your image has been stored on a computer and someone gets it, then sends it across the electronic airwaves to the world on the internet and you start getting calls asking how did you get into that position? Well maybe it was just me.

Anyway, back to the standing in line. Now I am at the counter talking to the sign me up person. She has me fill out this short little form with the basic information like name, address, phone number, and the amount of money I lost during the Enron scandal. I have the choice of purchasing the Advantage, Business, or the Elite Membership. Well being the frugal person that I am, I chose the Advantage. They took my money and asked me to stand on a Sam’s Club sticker placed on the floor. Yes, this was it, the time has come for me to be legit. No flash of light, no click of the shutter, just the clerk telling me the picture had been taken. My soul was on the back of a plastic card.

I now had the power to save money by shopping at Sam’s. I left the counter and headed for the electronics area. I would have said department but it is more of an area. They have gray industrial shelves with a display model sitting on the top shelf and the units to purchase stack below. Everything is in bulk packaging. Blank VHS tapes in cases, Kodak film shrink wrapped in a count of 12, TV’s on pallets of 2 dozen. You see, everything is in bulk. You cannot buy just one. You have to buy the whole lot.

I like to save money, but I think I could never use a 50 gallon drum of Preparation H, and that was the economy size. If I wanted to save more I could have gotten the industrial size, and that was a semi tanker. You know the kind they carry gas in. But I could save $10 by getting the industrial size.

Sam Walton, the founder of Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club, hit the jackpot with the American public’s desire to save. That is why dollar stores are popping up everywhere. It’s just a dollar. I’ll buy it. Every week I am at my warehouse discount store buying items that my great grandchildren will never be able to finish. I say get on, or in the bandwagon and buy in bulk, or eat a lot of fiber and you will have bulk of another kind. Until next time.

 

 

 Posted by at 4:42 am
Apr 182014
 

I have nothing to say for the month of April. The rest of the page will be blank. It will be blank, except for the spots that are left by the printing ink. That is if you printed this. It could be ink or toner. Usually if it is ink it doesn’t come off on your fingers, it also depends on the type of paper that is used. If this is printed on regular 80 lb paper it shouldn’t come off. Like a sheet of paper could weigh 80 pounds. Who was the person that came up with the weight of paper. Did some guy sit around one day and said, I am going to make a standard for paper weight. I am calling this one 20 and that one 80. If that was the case you wouldn’t have library’s. You couldn’t check out the books unless you had a fork lift.

Why are they called fork lifts. You never see them lift forks. They always lift pallets of stuff. Now there could be forks in boxes that the fork lift picks up. Since I am right handed I have a fork lift, it’s my right hand.

What was ATT thinking when they started using Carrot Top for their spokes person. I think of collect calls when I see him. NOT! I think of him in that fantastic movie Chairmen of the Board. That is a classic movie. It is right up there with Weird Al’s UHF. And what is UHF? Are there UHF channels floating in the airwaves? What is an airwave. You can’t see air. You can’t see wind. You can smell the wind at Taco Bell. Taco’s don’t look like bells. They look like…never mind. If I was at a job where they have one of those sexual harassment statements on the bulletin board I could have gotten in trouble. Well not really, because I didn’t say anything.

Could someone take me to the HR department if I say I could have said something that would be offensive and vulgar, but I don’t say it, could I get in trouble. Would that be right or even moral for another person to come to the conclusion of what I was going to say. I could see if you were a Betazed that could read another persons mind. That was for the Trekkies. Not that it is bad being a Trekkie or from Betazed. Why do people get offended for being labeled a Trekkie. And why don’t they have other groups of people that so obsessed with a TV show that they have conventions all over the US that would draw thousands of people. Where is the group of people that are BJ and the Bear fans? Or Hot L Baltimore? Or A.K.A Pablo? Or Me and the Chimp? Or Holmes and Yoyo? Or My Mother the Car?  Or Hello Larry. Or Hee Haw Honeys.  Or Manimal. Or The Powers of Mathew Starr.  Or The Chevy Chase Show. Or Still the Beaver. (another one where I could have gotten in trouble) or The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. Never mind.

The rest of the page will be blank, for real, no kidding, it is the truth, you can’t be the only one that tells the truth and have all your statements to be taken for the real thing, which was and may be the slogan for the product that is a carbonated soft drink called Coco Cola. And why do they call them soft drinks. If you get hit with a gallon of Coke that is dropped from the Empire State Building, it won’t feel too soft. No wonder people that grow up in other countries have a hard time learning the English language. There are so many words that are really confusing. There is one of them, or do I mean their. The same goes for the word mean. Did I mean a bad person or did I mean, there I go again using that word. And where did the word word start being used for being cool. Like saying word if they mean I understand. It had to start with one person that started saying that word in that manner. What if that person started using the word, punctuation. In closing I would like to say-punctuation to your mother.

 

 Posted by at 3:37 am
Apr 092014
 

Apple, cherry, peach, sweet potato, pumpkin, key lime, chicken, pecan, and the list goes on. What is more satisfying than having a piece of fresh apple pie with 2 scoops of homemade vanilla ice cream. Well maybe not a meat filled pie with ice cream.

Most people bring pies to the table during Thanksgiving. This is the American holiday where thanks is given for all that we have, especially homemade pie. To walk into a kitchen when a pumpkin pie is baking in the oven and that is the blessing of having olfactory senses.

 

 

 Posted by at 6:07 pm
Apr 042014
 

The days of driving on the highways and byways have changed over the years. Somewhere during the 80’s “road rage” was mentioned. Prior to that it was called bad driving.

When we get behind the steering wheel all courtesy goes out the tailpipe. We become Mr Hyde. We are so mild mannered away from our vehicles and then it is the transformation into a wild animal. It is the law of survival of the fittest or loudest.

Car horns were designed for the safety of man and animal. Now they are a punctuation mark followed by the one finger wave. Mr Hyde has arrived.

As a young driver I was one of the people that had to get to my destination first. So I was the guy zipping in and out of traffic. Now I am the guy that drives in the slow lane and takes my time to get to final destination.

We miss so much of life by driving fast. You may pass a building or business everyday and never notice it. Then you start driving slower and you ask yourself “Where  did that building come from?”

I have watched drivers drive aggressively and the only thing they get is to be first at the traffic signal. Hmm that saved a few seconds off their time. Do they think they are NASCAR drivers?

And speaking of NASCAR, there were 2 good old southern boys looking at a race car and one said to the other:

“Man, that is a NASCAR!”

“I’ll bet it’s fast too!” the other one replied.

Let’s not be the speed demon and let road rage get the best of us.

 

 Posted by at 8:36 pm
Mar 312014
 

Reading has changed over the years. Well not the actual reading, it is the way we read, well not the way we read, it is the media that  has changed. It was the invention of printing presses that can the multitude the opportunity to read. No longer do we use hieroglyphics to read stories and news of the day. Now we have e-readers.

The printed page is still available and some people like to have the feel of paper in their hands. To lick your finger to help grab the paper to flip to the next page is wonderful. Swiping your finger across a screen doesn’t have the same feel. Plus you leave a big wet spot on the screen.

Computer monitors have taken the place of paperback books. Now we can read on our smart phones. (I am not naming types of phones because that would be free advertising for the iPhone 5c or the Galaxy S III or maybe the Nokia Lumia.)

Books on cassette were once the rage, then came books on CD, then came the iTunes audio book (that reads like an endorsement.)

Holding a 3.5 inch screen to read a book gives me the words that the author has written but I am a little taken aback by the size of the font. I know I can change it and make the print larger but I am only getting half a sentence on the screen.

Now it is time to pick up a paperback book that smells a little musty from sitting on the front porch and get my fingers stained by the ink from licking them to turn the page. See you next read.

 Posted by at 12:08 am